|This page is reserved for any kind of crap that we can't fit into any of the other sections. It is also up because the idiot who designed this page wanted to have another menu box.|
First off, here's a piece of artwork conceived by the brilliant mind of our List Lord, Charlie. Klick on the thumbnail to download a larger version.
Also from the twisted mind of our List Lord are these two WAV files. Suffice it to say that Charlie once claimed to have made several people vomit through use of his comedic talents, and you won't doubt that one bit anymore once you've listened to these...
Many many moons ago, Frank posted this on DMHC, and now it's finally on the site:
How to be BLACK METAL!
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. .Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
Now, here's a little something that nobody besides our webmaster will find funny. But since that's me and I don't really give a shit if you like it, I'm gonna put it here. See, what happened was I typed up an excerpt from some stupid German Oi-Skin band's song that one of my bandmates has been singing occasionally, and Charlie gave us a translation:
Wir haben einen Schäferhund (I love Life of Agony),
den finden wir ganz (I'mgoing SXE because I respect their ideals)
toll Und während er die Möse leckt (I'm quitting esr to join my boy Joey DiMaio in Manowar),
kriegt er sein Arschloch voll (and I can't wait for my next session of cybersex with Ron).
Hargh, hargh, hargh, hargh. "Arschloch voll" (Ron), hargh, hargh.
And now... jokes. In English, too. These were submitted by various members of the list. You know who you are.
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly Five Hundred:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
4 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was
meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tonge
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, your on the rag.
*******The Top Ten Men!!********
1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says,"Open wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT
13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him -- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the sliht trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but your now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking!?! PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup, when we hit a bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke, and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" Asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
"Our family are farmers, too. But, we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory, and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun, until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you, from that horrible story?"
"Don't FUCK with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"
DAVE BARRY'S LIST OF 25 THINGS YOU WILL LEARN IN 50 YEARS OF LIVING
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is the fact that, deep down inside, we all believe, we are above-average drivers and everyone else who drives is a maniac.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in L.A., a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer. After sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then, next time it spits out "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate that computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: The universe is even bigger than they thought! There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be:
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the ad actually thinks. For example, If the advertisement says"This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals to old coots like your father. If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dork...and so on.
On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product,as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign, it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often,that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
(at this point, you know that these last couple came from a girl)
TOP 30 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT Girls!!
1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening. (ROFL!!!!!)
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8. Size does matter.
9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the eastside, video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even is you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from YOUR body, it's not. 25. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it?
30. Most importantly- we are always right- so don't forget it.
A guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a good-looking woman and immediately started looking at his watch. The woman noticed this and asked him if his date was late.
"No," he replied, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch and I was about to test it."
"What does it do?"
"It uses alpha wave to telepathically communicate with me."
"What is it telling you now?"
"It says you're not wearing any panties."
"Ha! Well, your watch must be broken, because I am!"
"Hmm," the guy murmured, "damn thing must be an hour fast."
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. . .you finish off as an orgasm." -- George Carlin
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. Filthy and Filthy but Wearable
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the refrigerator.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she should be in tenth grade.
Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A. They keep stepping on the strings.
Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law!
The inventor of dormitories . .. let's find him, make him pay for the travesties he's visited in America's youth, and force him to listen to Matchbox 20.
Can't you see him designing these hellish stacks of humanity many years ago? From the sidewalk he raised his hands triumphantly and said, "It shall be like the projects with less violence and more Marijuana!" He then took lumber and Elmer's Paste, as it is often called, to create these petcarrier sized rooms that we live in. You wanna know why people from the projects hardly ever go to college? It's because they don't want to leave their lush surroundings.
The actual term dormitory is of course derived from the latin term for sleep, which is appropriate because that is all you have space to do. You have to do it standing up in the bathroom sink but it can be done. The luckier students have space to scratch their asses but the windows have to be open and their roommates have to be gone for the weekend. When you go home the closets even feel like a gymnasium, and you can romp around in the bathroom like a horny antelope. I can't imagine the kids who brought everything they own to the dorm. I brought a condom and a sock. Next semester I hope to have a towel and the other sock. I also need a new condom.
Forget having space to sleep. Who sleeps anyway? Nobody on my campus. I think it's a rule. This one kid tried but no one knows what happened to him. Let's just say his floor mates never saw him awake again. I feel like I'm a member of the national insomniacoalition. Our agenda involves a lot of Frappacino and staring at the test pattern on tv. It's like this strange pseudo vampire lifestyle. Did you know that if you stay up late enough they play the Tonight Show over again and it still isn't funny? No sleep really fucks with your eating habits too. Every night at 2 in the morning you get as hungry as a Bosnian and you have to go to the vending machine to watch the one bagel spin in the carousel of salmonella. People have White Zombie playing until 5 AM, which to me really encompasses my mood at 5 AM. I could be listening to Kenny G and it would seem hardcore at 5 in the morning.
It doesn't matter because you still can't get an open clothes drier minutes before sunrise. There's this one chick whose always tying up an entire drier with one pair of panties. I let it slide because it gives me an opportunity to watch hypnotically tumbling panties. The worst is when she turns out to be morbidly obese and you have to vomit in your laundry basket. Not that the dryer works anyway. I could fart on my laundry and get drier than the converted toaster ovens that the university supplies. Dry jeans? Forget about it. I had to convert mine to a deep-sea wet suit.
So what if you want to leave the dorm? Get ready for a chore. You'll need keys, ID, bag, books, a map, an umbrella,sun glasses, insulin, a snake bite kit, mace, a pack mule,and an Algonquin Indian translator (Miami students you know what that's all about). Then you have to go walking through the building kissing the asses of all the dweebs you live with and holding the door for anyone in the same county.
What's with the door holding policy? Like opening a door requires a spotter. If you've got arms, a coordinated foot,or useful nub, open your own Goddamn door. People on rollerblades I accept, people on bikes I have urges to clothesline but tolerate, but people on skateboards have a value just below medically retarded nazis. It must be explained to them that skateboards were cool when we were 11 and even then they weren't that cool. Where are you headed?
Probably to get something to eat at the dining hall. The only dish they haven't fucked up is Lucky Charms. I think the university supplies them with a blender and unlimited horse meat mixed with some retired circus animals. The key to making the menu fresh and exciting is the food coloring.The charming and buck-toothed lunch ladies proudly announce, "Yesterday we had chicken nuggets and today we present to you blue chickenchunks that are totally unrelated to the nugget dish we served you just yesterday. We are serious, they have nothing to do with each other.I stake my hair net on it. You can have extra blue in yours." And the ladies (who really seem to love living in the exciting scooping career) refuse to serve more than what fits on a toothpick. You can't just ask for a large portion, you have to ask for "more than the offensive line could consume this semester." Then you get a second blue nugget. Remember how excited the potato bar got you the first week? Now the potato bar makes you homicidal. (What are bacon flavored bits made of?)
Then you get to come home to your room. Mine is called a suite, which is a pretty cruel manipulation of the English language. I get to spend time with the closet case that the boarding office apparently found compatible with me. He's like Chewbacca's considerably less attractive estranged midget cousin. A wookie also has better control of the English language. My roommate is another rant all together.Most people get one of two kinds of roommates, the one who sharpens knives while he watches you sleep (mine),and the one who asks you what it's like to go outside (also mine).
End your dorm day by hopping in the shower. It's as big as a Tupperware container. It has 3 temperatures, fucking hot, really fucking hot, and nuclear. Whenever somebody flushes a toilet on the campus the temperature goes to skin removal levels and I go blind for a few minutes. I swear it is connected to every toilet. My brother flushed the toilet at home last week and I called him to tell him to be a little more considerate.
The bathroom is as clean as any fast food restaurant urinal cake and after the average college student cleans the shitter with a bottle of Vodka it's as clean as any bus station. I've given up on cleaning the bathroom and I'm disinfecting myself. A quick spray down with LysolDirect and my body is fresh and repellent to several bacteria. Bottom line.Turn up the music and try to get high off the fumes coming from under the bathroom door because they never share. The "best days of your life" will be over soon.
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
One day a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
Man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" (Canadian Frog!) The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,"Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Cows - a lesson in political science.
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts themin a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows, the spilled milk and calculating the subsidy you should receive.
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.